Here's to Trusting (Yesterday Will Leave Us Alone)
by GakuenAlicefan27
Summary: "But if I'm–" Call began, but paused. Jasper couldn't see him, but he could imagine just the way he looked at the moment: hands balled into fists at his sides, eyes steely. "If I'm your son, then I killed your other son." "We shouldn't be eavesdropping on this." Jasper thought, but didn't move. Beside him, Tamara's posture stiffened, but she made no move to leave either.


A/N: Hi, guys! Here I am with yet another Magisterium fic (hope you're all doing well post-Golden-Tower). I never, in a million years, planned for this one to get as long as it did, but in the end I ended up covering topics that I had been wanting to cover for a while now, and I have to say that I'm very proud of how everything turned out.

This fic is a sequel to my other story, "Here's to Hoping (Tomorrow Will be Kinder)", and while you don't have to, I'd recommend you read it before your read this.

I also published this fic on AO3 (username: MidnightHalo27), as the third part of the "Here's to Hoping" series.

This fic is canon compliant with The Bronze Key, so there are spoilers for those who haven't read it. It is not compliant with The Silver Mask, though I did borrow one event from it.

Also, fair warning: I write Anastasia the way I wish she was, not the way she is in canon.

Disclaimer: The Magisterium book series belongs to Cassandra Clare and Holly Black, not me.

I hope you like it! Reviews, kudos, etc are great! Constructive criticism is very welcome, but flames will be used to roast marshmallows.

* * *

 **Here's to Trusting (Yesterday Will Leave Us Alone)**

 _by: GakuenAlicefan27_

The movies romanticized far too much this whole being on the run thing. There was nothing pretty about it; nothing poetic or satisfying.

While hiding, they had little to no contact with the outside world. They were constantly on the move and their safe houses were in places as deserted as can be. Jasper didn't know exactly who the houses belonged to, but they probably didn't belong to Constantine Madden, seeing as Master Joseph still hadn't managed to find them.

Their only source of information was Anastasia, whose involvement with their escape no one knew. She had kept her seat at the Assembly, as well as contact with Master Joseph under the guise of the desperate mother trying to find her son.

She didn't show up very often, lest someone get suspicious of where she disappeared to, but when she did visit, she always brought news.

They were rarely ever good.

~x~

This time, what she had brought was a plan. Except it didn't sound like a plan; it sounded like the opposite of one.

"Keep on hiding?" Call asked in disbelief. "That's your plan?"

But Anastasia didn't let his tone deter her. "To keep on hiding is the first step of the plan. Will you let me explain the rest?"

"Sure." Tamara frowned.

Anastasia took a deep breath. "I didn't tell you before because I wasn't sure, but now I believe I've seen enough to say that Alex's days are numbered." She said, and everyone gasped.

Alex had been pretty busy while they hid. He'd revealed his true colors to the mages, using the chaos magic he'd stolen from Aaron to brag and make demand after demand, each more absurd than the other.

It was not a smart thing to do. He'd basically taken the mage's focus from Call to him; painted a giant target on his back. He claimed to have an army of chaos-ridden, which Anastasia knew he didn't; he was still struggling to control his new powers. He claimed to have a following, which Anastasia knew he didn't; few had dared to join Alex's side, afraid not only of the Magisterium, but also of Call, whom they believed was more powerful and would not take kindly to another evil overlord prancing about. He claimed to be greater than Constantine, which he wasn't, because Constantine never made unnecessary speeches about his own grandeur. He never needed to. When someone is truly great, they don't need to say it; they speak through their actions and people just know.

But the Magisterium didn't know any of that, and so, the terror had spread.

But now, Anastasia was saying that Alex's days might be numbered; something that she had never mentioned before.

"What do you mean?" Alastair asked.

"I've studied many texts about chaos magic over the years," Anastasia began. "And while the recent ones focused more on the magic itself, there were old ones that spoke of the makaris specifically, and what enabled them to wield this power that most mages could not."

No one said anything, all too eager to hear what she would say next.

"The studies were mostly inconclusive." She said. "But a few of them seemed to imply that studying the bodies of the makaris was useless, and that despite the fact that the soul counterweighted chaos, it was exactly the soul that held the answer they were looking for."

She looked at Call then. "It makes sense, doesn't it? When you were at the mausoleum in Maine and Constantine's body was destroyed, the chaos magic went straight to you, instead of going to any of the other people around. The magic was attracted to your soul."

Call swallowed dry. "I thought that was only because the soul was the same."

"Perhaps." Anastasia conceded. "But I believe it's more complex than that. I believe a makar is someone whose soul is the right fit, the right type, to withstand chaos magic."

"And Alex's soul isn't the right type." Tamara murmured.

"Exactly."

"But he has the Alkahest."

Anastasia nodded. "The Alkahest works just fine, I think, as a temporary measure. It may be used once, or for a short time, but anything beyond that and the instrument will not be able to contain the damage suffered by the host."

"You believe the magic is killing him."

"Destroying him. Slowly."

Jasper shuddered. Sometimes he thought Anastasia was saddened to see what had become of Alex, and other times, when she talked like that, he wondered if she held any affection for him at all.

She most likely did, but it was nothing compared to what she felt for Call.

Alex probably knew that too.

Tamara spoke, bringing Jasper's mind back to the present.

"But isn't this the same as being Devoured?"

Anastasia shook her head. "Chaos magic is not like the others. It destroys to a greater level."

Jasper frowned. "And why did you say that now you think you've seen enough to be sure? What's going on with Alex?"

"His control is slipping." Anastasia clarified. "And so is his mind. He's growing more and more reckless, making decisions that he would never have made before all this."

"That might not have anything to do with the chaos magic itself." Call said. "Maybe the power just got to his head; made him overconfident."

"Maybe." Anastasia conceded. "But I really don't think that's the case. And besides," She looked at all of them. "Master Joseph is getting worried. He's never said so outright, but I have reason to believe that the Alkahest is beginning to crack."

"Crack?" Alastair was aghast. "The Alkahest?"

"Indeed."

"But what does that have to do with us going back? How does that affect us?" Call asked.

"Well, they already know you weren't the one who killed Aaron."

That was true. Alex had apparently bragged about it a few months back; just one more thing in the list of poor decisions he made over the year.

"That won't stop them from imprisoning me for the things The Enemy of Death has done."

"Not right now, it won't. But if we play our cards right, we might make them reconsider." Anastasia said. "If we make them believe you killed Alex, for example."

Call blinked, taken aback.

"He's gonna burn out on his own, Call. But the Magisterium doesn't need to know that. All you have to do is be there when it happens."

"And Master Joseph?" Alastair asked.

Anastasia's expression turned somber. "I'll take care of him. I have something in the works."

Alastair didn't ask what, and Jasper thought that was probably for the better.

"But how are we gonna know the right time to go Alex?"

"By the amount of magic he's using, I don't give him many months left. The progress of the cracks in the Alkahest should help me figure out."

And that was that.

~x~

The following morning, Jasper and Tamara were playing cards in the living room when they heard Call's voice coming from the kitchen.

"How can you love me?"

There was silence for a moment, and then Anastasia's voice answered. "Because I'm your mother."

"I don't really remember you."

"That's alright." Anastasia said, sad yet soft. "You're still my son."

"But if I'm–" Call began, but paused. He sounded frustrated, and Jasper couldn't see him, but he could imagine just the way he looked at the moment: hands balled into fists at his sides, nose scrunched up, eyes steely. He continued, voice low. "If I'm your son, then I killed your other son."

" _We shouldn't be eavesdropping on this."_ Jasper thought, but didn't move. Beside him, Tamara's posture went stiff, but she made no move to leave either.

"I know."

"He suffered. You yourself said it last night that chaos magic destroys to a greater level." Call went on, voice going a little bit hysterical but somehow still low. "He was dying, slowly, and he probably knew it. And then he died and God only knows if his soul even made it to the afterlife after all that was done to it. You should just let me die and be glad that I'm gone."

"I'd rather protect the son I have left than end up with two dead ones." Anastasia replied, and Jasper didn't know how she sounded so calm.

Call made a sound in his throat. It sounded like a cross between a growl and a whimper. "How can you love me?" He asked again.

"I forgive you, and I know that, wherever he is now, he forgives you too." A pause and then, "He would have wanted you to forgive yourself."

"But I don't!" Call yelled, then stormed out of the kitchen, running past Jasper and Tamara and up the stairs.

~x~

They went after him, only to find him curled up in a corner of his bedroom, trembling like a leaf.

Neither said anything, just sat beside him and stayed there till he stopped shaking.

There was nothing they could have said. Forgiveness was not a journey they could talk him through; they could only be there for him, and hope that he made it to the other side.

~x~

"How's Master Rufus?" Alastair surprised everyone by asking Anastasia the next time she dropped by, a full month later. Jasper watched in silence as Call and Tamara tensed, waiting for an answer.

Anastasia smiled sadly. "He's had better days."

"Is he very angry?" Tamara whispered.

"No." Anastasia said. "No, Tamara. He's not angry. He's just…lost. He's trying to understand."

"Understand why I didn't tell him the truth?" Call asked, looking at the ground.

"Understand why his children always leave, one way or the other."

She probably didn't say it to be cruel, but the three of them winced anyway, Alastair most of all.

~x~

The next month, Anastasia crossed the threshold with a grim expression. Jasper tensed.

For a brief moment she looked at Call, but only because she always looked at him first whenever they were in a room together. Then, her gaze shifted to Tamara.

"What happened?" Tamara asked, voice slightly alarmed as she took in Anastasia's pitying expression.

Anastasia sighed. "I'm sorry, Tamara, but it seems your sister has joined Alex's ranks."

Oh.

Oh no.

~x~

"I just don't understand." Call said, lying on his side and facing Jasper, who was in the bed next to his. Their current safe house didn't have enough bedrooms, so Call and Jasper shared one. "Kimiya was so mean to Aaron when she thought he was a spy, and now she's switched sides?"

Jasper didn't understand it either. As of the moment, no one in the Magisterium knew if Kimiya had sneaked out during the night or been kidnapped, but Anastasia, who had contacted Master Joseph, could confirm that Kimiya had chosen to change sides of her own free will. That was a heavy blow that had Tamara crying all day.

Call continued. "Maybe she did it because of Alex?"

Jasper made a face. "I don't know, but I don't think so. She just…she left everything, you know? Her family, her friends, the comfort she had. She wouldn't trade all that for a boy, would she?"

Call shrugged, but he looked troubled. Jasper observed him for a few minutes, the light from the moon illuminating his face and gray eyes.

"Jasper," He began.

"What is it?"

"Why did you and Tamara leave it all behind?"

Jasper blinked. "Is that what's worrying you?"

Call averted his eyes. "You two got into this mess because of me."

"No. We got into this mess because the Magisterium decided that you were evil without even giving you a chance to explain yourself."

"They thought I had killed Aaron."

"They would have sent you to the Panopticon regardless, Call."

Call shifted in his bed. "Still, don't you think I should pay for the things Constantine did?"

"Constantine is dead."

"It doesn't matter." Call said. "It was still my soul, Jasper. I still did all these things, even if I don't remember them."

"Do you think you should pay for them?"

Call curled in on himself. "No." He looked at Jasper. "But that's because I'm selfish."

"We all are."

There was silence for a few moments, and then: "You didn't answer my question."

Jasper sighed. "Making the decision to leave wasn't as hard as you're thinking, Call. People were accusing you of so many things, and no one trusted us anymore, and the Assembly was too busy playing blame games to do anything about Alex. If we didn't do something, nobody would, and it was eating away at us day by day." He closed his eyes. "You're our friend, and they were planning on letting you rot in that cell for the rest of your life, if they didn't kill you first. There's no way we would have let that happen."

Call didn't say anything to that, but when Jasper looked, he realized that he was crying in silence. He resisted the urge to wipe the tears away, knowing Call might find it awkward. Instead, he let his arm fall in the space between their beds, a silent invitation for Call to take his hand if he felt comfortable.

The movies romanticized far too much this whole being on the run thing. There was nothing pretty about it; nothing poetic or satisfying, but given the choice, he knew he would do it all over again.

~x~

The next morning, Jasper observed from the porch as Call and Tamara played in the garden with Havoc. Tamara was feeling marginally better, but only just. Call was doing his best to distract her.

Anastasia joined him half an hour later, sipping from a cup of coffee. She could afford to stay for a few more hours, but would have to leave before the day ended.

For a moment, she didn't say anything; just watched the scene in the garden. Then, with a hint of a smile, she spoke:

"I used to think it was cute, the crush Tamara had on Call." She sipped her coffee. "But now I guess it has faded back to friendship."

Jasper remained silent. He didn't know if that was Anastasia's way of making small talk, but he didn't really like thinking about that particular topic.

He looked back at the garden and caught Call staring at him, which made them both avert their eyes. Jasper blushed slightly as he remembered how they had woken up a few hours before, nearly falling off their beds and with their hands intertwined.

"Of course," Anastasia said. "Your crush on him isn't any less cute."

Jasper spluttered, then politely excused himself and got the heck out of the porch. Anastasia merely smiled beatifically as she watched him go.

~x~

A few weeks later, Call started having nightmares.

He had always had nightmares, for as long as Jasper had known him, or at least for as long as Jasper had started caring, but these ones were proving to be the worst yet.

They weren't violent nightmares, Jasper knew, because Call didn't have a fitful sleep; he didn't talk or whimper or thrash around on his bed, but he woke up in the morning with hollow, haunted eyes that persevered for hours.

They were about Aaron, Call had admitted. A different one every night.

It made sense, with the rapidly approaching anniversary of Aaron's death, but that didn't mean Jasper and Tamara would simply sit around and do nothing about it.

They did what they could to keep Call distracted, from playing invented games to stargazing into the night, but the one thing that had proven truly helpful was also the one Call was less inclined to do, which was to talk about it.

He had gotten used to keeping things to himself for so long, it was almost impossible to get him to open up to them; he only did it when the weight of his thoughts was about to crush him.

They knew fragments of the nightmares; things they had managed to coax out of Call after hours of talking about nothing. All of them seemed to have a common theme: in some, Aaron's ghost blamed Call for not trying to bring him back; in others, Aaron blamed him for resurrecting him instead of letting his soul rest in peace. He could never win, with these dreams.

The previous' night's nightmare hadn't been like this though.

"This was the worst one by far." Call confessed, sitting on the porch and shaking all over.

Jasper and Tamara believed him, because he had never been the one to start on the topic before.

"How so?" Tamara asked gently.

Call blinked, a little dazed. "He was there, like always. But…he was just there. I had resurrected him, but he wasn't angry, or disappointed, or anything." Call shivered, and looked down. "He was there, but he wasn't anything. There was something wrong with him, something was missing. He didn't feel hungry, even though he still needed to eat. He didn't realize he needed a jacket, even when his lips were turning blue from the cold. He only went to sleep when someone reminded him to. He didn't say anything when he was hurt. He didn't laugh when he found something funny." Call looked at them. "The chaos magic brought him back to life, but it couldn't make him live."

There was silence for a long time, and then, Tamara whispered:

"You gotta focus on the good things." She said, knowing that there was nothing she could say about the dream that would be comforting and truthful at the same time. For all they knew, if Call resurrected Aaron, that was something that could happen.

"Like what?" Call asked, sounding incredibly tired.

"Your family is here." She looked at him with a meaningful expression. "For better or worse, Alastair and Anastasia won't ever give up on you. And you have Jasper and I, and even though your life will never go back to the way it was before, at least you don't have to hide who you are anymore; you don't have to keep it all inside and leave in fear that someone is gonna find out. And we have a plan, Call; fragile as it is, it's still a plan, and we have to trust that things are gonna work out in the end."

"And if the plan doesn't work," Jasper added. "We'll think of another one, and another, and how many more it takes until we get it right."

Call's mood didn't get exponentially better, but he managed a small smile and squeezed their hands.

Alastair watched through the window, but didn't say anything. Later on, he'd tell Jasper and Tamara, in that quiet, stilted way of his that he seemed to have passed to Call, how sad he was to see all this, but how proud too; because he once knew a boy so lost in his grief that he never stopped to worry about consequences.

~x~

A fortnight later, Anastasia showed up again, earlier than she was supposed to, and said.

"It's time."

And off they went.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading!

You can find me on tumblr as agarotado27dejunho to discuss anything Magisterium related or just say "Hi!"


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